Spell Casters...

POSTCARD USA: Spell-casters rule OK — Khalid Hasan
Daily Times, January 7, 2007

I have always been an avid reader of advice columns in Urdu newspapers and they have never ceased to amuse and astonish me. The large Pakistani community in America — no one really knows what its size is but it is greater than the US Census Bureau believes — gets a good deal of its news from the Urdu language weekly papers that can be picked up free of charge from any Pakistani grocery store or eating place. These broadsheets are no longer shoe-string operations. They are money-makers, thanks to the extensive advertising they carry, including that from ghost masters, star-gazers, palm readers, black magic practitioners and spiritual fixers.

Every paper also carries various advice columns. One such column carries questions and answers from Mufti Muneer A. Akhoon, formerly of the Binori Mosque in Karachi, and now of upstate New York. Pakistanis living here obviously consider him their guide and master.

Chaudhry Abdul Mannan from New York wants to know as to how a woman can engage in trade or get an education, when even her voice is subject to strict purdah. The Mufti confirms that even a woman’s voice has to meet the same criteria as her body, namely not to be heard by unauthorised men. However, in times of need, as long as she keeps her face covered, it is permissible for her to talk. But her tone must remain harsh and unfriendly so that men are not encouraged to feel attracted towards her. Some men, the Mufit overlooks, may be attracted by just such women. What then? Perdition?

Mrs Kalsoom Anwar from Houston, Texas, writes, “I am 52 years of age and there is a particular dream that comes to me repeatedly. I dream that I am having sex with my father who died 22 years ago. I also find myself bedding my brother. Both of them were deeply religious and men of faith.” Mufti Muneer Akhoon’s answer, “Your dream means that you stand to benefit from both these men, either in terms of your credit in the book of God or through material means. There is absolutely no need for you to worry on this count. However, your faith will have to remain steadfast.” Was that Dr Freud turning in his grave, bitter?

Samina Fazal from Brooklyn, New York, says she has lived in America for the last six years but is frightened out of her skin by a strange shadow that stalks her all over the house. She wants to know what she can do. Mufti Akhoon replies, “Your house appears to be under the occupation of jinns and evil spirits.” He proceeds to suggest various Quranic passages that she should read several times a day. She should also sprinkle water all over her house but she must blow on it after reading the recommended texts. All residents of the house should also drink some of the sanctified water. This exercise has to be repeated for 41 days but there should be no breaks. Obviously, if she forgets to blow on the water or to drink it, the evil spirits will get her goat.

Saira Khan from Virginia is much troubled because she has just been divorced, has two children and is facing financial hardship. She wants to know what she should do. The Mufti recommends that after morning prayers, she should recite Sura Fateha 70 times on the first day, cutting the recitations by 10 every day. After reciting the last segment, she should start all over again. This holy routine she should continue for seven weeks. “Thereafter, just watch how assistance comes your way from treasures of the unknown,” Mufti Akhoon predicts.

Nasreen Shah from New York wants to know if after she has performed her ablutions, will she have to perform them gain if in between she has napped briefly. The lady is assured that she need not wash herself again, as here loss of consciousness was involuntary. But what if it wasn’t? The Mufti is silent like the sphinx on that one.

Mrs Khan from Chicago asks if clothes washed in a washing machine remain pure or impure. Or should they be washed by hand three times to make them pure? She is told that if an article of clothing is “impure” (whatever that means), it should be washed by hand and only then put in the washing machine with the pure clothes. Adil Farooq from Virginia is troubled because he works for a life insurance company and he is not sure if his income is halal or haram. The Mufti answers that since life insurance is “generally gambling and usury”, it is haram, but if one lives in a land where life without insurance is not safe or if there is a legal obligation to get insured, then it is permissible. But the insurance bought must be just sufficient, not excessive. Also any income derived from insurance should be spent on charity.

Arsalan from Chicago asks if it is permitted to wear a necktie. He says he has been looking for a job and obviously has failed to get one because he has been appearing for his interviews without a necktie. His friends have advised him to wear one next time he appears for an interview. What should he do, he wants to know? Mufti Akhoon tells him that if he believes the necktie can earn him his livelihood, he should wear one. But if he believes that God alone is man’s sustainer, then he should continue to hope for “rizq-e-halal” but “without committing the sin of wearing a neckie” The Mufti asks: why are so many necktie-wearing people without work? And why are so many not wearing neckties gainfully employed? He also advises the young man from Chicago to recite a certain Quranic verse 71 times every day. I think we can assume that Arsalan from Chicago is still unemployed.

Twenty-four year old Saima from California can’t find a husband. She wants to know how that can be rectified. She is told to recite a certain Quranic verse eight times after late evening prayers and another verse 11 times. This has to be continued for 80 days and “God willing, a virtuous and proper match will materialise.” Had Saima asked me, I would have suggested she send an email to Mustansar Hussain Tarar of Shaadi Online. MFT is the man who always used to run into doe-eyed, dreamy looking women with cascading hair in mountain hideouts when he used to travel. He would surely have found Saima a Green Card seeker by now.

To close, anyone who wants to know how the Pakistani-American community lives, should know that it is doing well but the ghost masters and spell casters are doing even better.

Khalid Hasan is Daily Times’ US-based correspondent. His e-mail is khasan2@cox.net